This is a wonderful description of a procodile. It certainly seems like a dangerous animal best left alone. The Night Zookeeper would have to be wary of this animal.
I like your use of simile (like thousands of miniature knives). Making use of simile and very descriptive words helps paint pictures in the minds of readers. I can see your spelling skills are quite good but there were some minor errors where you chose the wrong words. One sentence should read…
“The flesh twists through his jaws then you’re gone.”
It is quite easy to make minor mistakes when you’re keen to write down an interesting story. I always have to check my writing for similar errors.
I hope you keep entering the 100WC. Well done! 🙂
Thanks for posting this great description for us to read. I like the way the first few sentences have no verbs, this makes it sound like a poem. This might not work for all pieces of writing, but for this one I think it works very well to get the reader to imagine the creature.
Did you do this deliberately or did it just feel right? Sometimes I find I do things like this is my writing without realising jus because it feels right, but then it is interesting to go back and work out what it was I was doing that worked well.
Look forward to reading some more of your writing some time.
Your description of the animal was really good because you you picture the animal that you were talking about. If you put that into a story that would probably a really fun and good story
WOW!! That was GREAT!!
Hi Mia,
I got quite scared reading your description of the procodile. I wouldn’t want to meet one!
My favourite part was the rhyming sentence, ‘The thorny teeth were worse than a curse’. That sounds really good when I read it aloud. I also liked your description of the ‘velvet blood staining his jaws’.
Hello Mia,
This is a wonderful description of a procodile. It certainly seems like a dangerous animal best left alone. The Night Zookeeper would have to be wary of this animal.
I like your use of simile (like thousands of miniature knives). Making use of simile and very descriptive words helps paint pictures in the minds of readers. I can see your spelling skills are quite good but there were some minor errors where you chose the wrong words. One sentence should read…
“The flesh twists through his jaws then you’re gone.”
It is quite easy to make minor mistakes when you’re keen to write down an interesting story. I always have to check my writing for similar errors.
I hope you keep entering the 100WC. Well done! 🙂
@RossMannell (Team 100WC)
Teacher, NSW, Australia
Hi Mia,
Thanks for posting this great description for us to read. I like the way the first few sentences have no verbs, this makes it sound like a poem. This might not work for all pieces of writing, but for this one I think it works very well to get the reader to imagine the creature.
Did you do this deliberately or did it just feel right? Sometimes I find I do things like this is my writing without realising jus because it feels right, but then it is interesting to go back and work out what it was I was doing that worked well.
Look forward to reading some more of your writing some time.
Oliver Quinlan
Lecturer, Plymouth University
Hey
Your description of the animal was really good because you you picture the animal that you were talking about. If you put that into a story that would probably a really fun and good story
WOW!! That was GREAT!!
Hi Mia,
I got quite scared reading your description of the procodile. I wouldn’t want to meet one!
My favourite part was the rhyming sentence, ‘The thorny teeth were worse than a curse’. That sounds really good when I read it aloud. I also liked your description of the ‘velvet blood staining his jaws’.
Carry on the good work Mia!
Liz Goddard
Teacher