well done Louis I really liked the part when it went The dull, distraught click-clacking of the train was incomprehensible, so I was bored to my bones. but the puncuation at the end was a bit hard to understand
Hi Louis,
You used lots of great adjectives and I could imagine being on a really horrible, hot, bumpy train journey.
The only bad things are that instead of “pleading for it to stop” it should probably be something like “pleading her to make the train stop” and you started a sentence with but where there could be a better opener.
Hi Louis,
You have a very wild imagination and there are definatly some ups and downs in the story. I have tried to list as many as I can in the following.
Good points:
1. You have used good snappy scentences
2.You’ve used amazing description
3.I couln’t really make out were you were utill the end
Things that could be improved:
1. Train lines don’t always run parralel
2.Although your description was brilliant, you could have used a little more story telling and a little less of that description
This is brilliant piece of work. I love the brilliant verbs you have used for example pleaded. Your choice of adjectives have created some fantastic images.
Brilliant Louis.
Wow.
I love how you used ‘the parallel lines go on for ever’.
Amazing description. What inspired you to write this?
I love all the descripion and the long words that even I don’t know. by ethan
I like the puncuation. by Kenan
Thanks a lot
well done Louis I really liked the part when it went The dull, distraught click-clacking of the train was incomprehensible, so I was bored to my bones. but the puncuation at the end was a bit hard to understand
Hi Louis,
You used lots of great adjectives and I could imagine being on a really horrible, hot, bumpy train journey.
The only bad things are that instead of “pleading for it to stop” it should probably be something like “pleading her to make the train stop” and you started a sentence with but where there could be a better opener.
Hi Louis,
You have a very wild imagination and there are definatly some ups and downs in the story. I have tried to list as many as I can in the following.
Good points:
1. You have used good snappy scentences
2.You’ve used amazing description
3.I couln’t really make out were you were utill the end
Things that could be improved:
1. Train lines don’t always run parralel
2.Although your description was brilliant, you could have used a little more story telling and a little less of that description
Keep up the amazing work Louis!
This is brilliant piece of work. I love the brilliant verbs you have used for example pleaded. Your choice of adjectives have created some fantastic images.
Brilliant Louis.
I agree with Jake.More story needed.But great description.Love the clicketyclack sound.