Hi Hope,
Wow I Hope your Mum does not forget it’s a leap year. I realy felt for the Mum, a good writer will always make you feel you’re there and make you care for the characters, and you had that. Read it through aloud, I foung the first centance a bit. By the way you did not include ‘Oh dear, I forgot it was a leap year.’ Well done for doing so well in so little words. Great work. Can I just ask, has that realy happened or is it just fiction?
HiHope, well done from writing from a mum’s point of view. You did it very effectively. To make your writing even better, try not to repeat yourself ( can you think of an alternative to dragged?) Your first sentence draws the reader straight in,but is missing some punctuation. If you read it aloud, try to see where it is needed.
I really like all your puntuation like commas and exclamation marks.
You have some very interesting sentinses in your writing.
You could use a few sentence openers in your writing.
Please visit the St Peter’s Church of England Primary School 100 Word Challenge Blog http://classes.st-peters-school.org.uk/year6—100-word-challenge.html
Hi Hope,
I really enjoyed some of the vocablury you used eg. gazed,made my head spin, reluctantly dragged… As well I liked how the story line is so effective yet so simple. Maybe in your next piece of writing you could include some more sentence openers for example: The next day, During the afternoon…
from Hope Evans, Y6, St. Peter’s CofE Budleigh Salterton
Hi Hope,
Wow I Hope your Mum does not forget it’s a leap year. I realy felt for the Mum, a good writer will always make you feel you’re there and make you care for the characters, and you had that. Read it through aloud, I foung the first centance a bit. By the way you did not include ‘Oh dear, I forgot it was a leap year.’ Well done for doing so well in so little words. Great work. Can I just ask, has that realy happened or is it just fiction?
Hi Hope,
That was really good I liked how you fitted every thing that had to happen and your set up was good.
HiHope, well done from writing from a mum’s point of view. You did it very effectively. To make your writing even better, try not to repeat yourself ( can you think of an alternative to dragged?) Your first sentence draws the reader straight in,but is missing some punctuation. If you read it aloud, try to see where it is needed.
I really like all your puntuation like commas and exclamation marks.
You have some very interesting sentinses in your writing.
You could use a few sentence openers in your writing.
Please visit the St Peter’s Church of England Primary School 100 Word Challenge Blog
http://classes.st-peters-school.org.uk/year6—100-word-challenge.html
Hi Hope,
I really enjoyed some of the vocablury you used eg. gazed,made my head spin, reluctantly dragged… As well I liked how the story line is so effective yet so simple. Maybe in your next piece of writing you could include some more sentence openers for example: The next day, During the afternoon…
from Hope Evans, Y6, St. Peter’s CofE Budleigh Salterton
Please visit the St. Peter’s Church of England Primary School 100 word challenge blog:
http://classes.st-peters-school.org.uk/year6—100-word-challenge.html