I love some of the words you use – especially the light ‘oozing’ around the door.
I love the sound of dark green spiders
I would have liked to know more about the spiders – what were they doing and why were they green?
I loved the really scary punch line!
I too liked the white light oozing very much indeed, but I think you mean under your parents’ door rather than from the gaps in the bedroom! And you were trying to be quiet, rather than ‘quite’.
I found the last but one sentence a bit confusing. Maybe be sure and read through before you publish…..
Dark green spiders – so many; oh dear!
(Jake’s Granny)
Fifty spiders would be extremely scary!
You describe the colour very well – they often do look very dark green in a certain light.
You also build up the suspense so that we want to know what happens next.
It would be good to know if the spiders were nibbling at your feet, or perhaps it was it just the feeling of all those legs (more than 400) tickling you that made you tingle.
Good job with the prompt this week. I like the details and how you draw out this one terrifying moment. I am curious about the tingling and wondered if the spiders were crawling across the character’s feet, or if they were biting him. This would be a very scary encounter.
Some great words here – very evocative. I could really imagine you hanging on the banister, desperate to escape from the spiders as they started to climb up your feet. Might have been even scarier if you’d set it at 4am, when everyone was asleep…
Hi Jake,
Your work was very good, for example:
1. The incredible adjectives you used took my breath away, such as: Oozed and Scuttling.
2. The way you arranged the words so that it was more logical really made a big difference for the reader.
Even though most things were great, there was a couple of mistakes:
1. You needed a few more commas.
2. When you did use commas, they were in the wrong place.
Make sure you pay a lot of detail when you edit your work because otherwise it can be quite confusing. However, everything else was fine so keep up the good work.
I like the scary spooky language.
You build suspense very well.
I wish you hadn’t given away the punch line so quickly.
Caroline (Jake’s mum)
I love some of the words you use – especially the light ‘oozing’ around the door.
I love the sound of dark green spiders
I would have liked to know more about the spiders – what were they doing and why were they green?
I loved the really scary punch line!
I too liked the white light oozing very much indeed, but I think you mean under your parents’ door rather than from the gaps in the bedroom! And you were trying to be quiet, rather than ‘quite’.
I found the last but one sentence a bit confusing. Maybe be sure and read through before you publish…..
Dark green spiders – so many; oh dear!
(Jake’s Granny)
Fifty spiders would be extremely scary!
You describe the colour very well – they often do look very dark green in a certain light.
You also build up the suspense so that we want to know what happens next.
It would be good to know if the spiders were nibbling at your feet, or perhaps it was it just the feeling of all those legs (more than 400) tickling you that made you tingle.
Great description like skuttling and imagination!
Hi Jake,
Good job with the prompt this week. I like the details and how you draw out this one terrifying moment. I am curious about the tingling and wondered if the spiders were crawling across the character’s feet, or if they were biting him. This would be a very scary encounter.
Well done.
good work jake love your adjectives !Next time try and use more descriptive words
Some great words here – very evocative. I could really imagine you hanging on the banister, desperate to escape from the spiders as they started to climb up your feet. Might have been even scarier if you’d set it at 4am, when everyone was asleep…
I love the descriptive words, particularly congregation. And scuttling. And oozed …
Perhaps you could have checked through the composition to check for small errors, e.g. quite rather than quiet.
Overall, though, very nice work. Will there be a sequel I wonder?!?
Hi Jake,
Your work was very good, for example:
1. The incredible adjectives you used took my breath away, such as: Oozed and Scuttling.
2. The way you arranged the words so that it was more logical really made a big difference for the reader.
Even though most things were great, there was a couple of mistakes:
1. You needed a few more commas.
2. When you did use commas, they were in the wrong place.
Make sure you pay a lot of detail when you edit your work because otherwise it can be quite confusing. However, everything else was fine so keep up the good work.